5 Reasons I love Baltimore

1. It builds character and self-control.
If someone cuts you off on Rockville Pike, you will have a strong and somewhat legitimate desire to flick the asshole off and lean into the horn like it was a strong wind. When someone cuts you off on St. Paul, you will have that same desire. The difference is that the car on St. Paul is a '94 DeVille with 22 inch rims and tinted windows, not an '08 911 coupe. Not that you could get capped in broad daylight on the streets of Baltimore.......but you gotta be careful.

Baltimore is kind of like Chinese medicine. It tastes like shit, but it's good for you! Unless it kills you. So yeah... it's exactly like Chinese medicine.

2. Beautiful architecture.
Before white flight, the North Ave. strip was a gorgeous amalgamation of architectural styles, ranging from Neo-classical to Art Deco. Now it's home to some of the finest looking check cashing places, Chinese delis, and gun stores in America. Just remember... bulletproof glass is not an element of Victorian architecture.

3. A vibrant, unique ecosystem
You know... it's cool that humans have transcended evolution, but do we really have to rub it in everyone else's faces? I mean... we've stopped chilling with vermin; now we only kick it with the "cool" animals like cats and dogs. Well in Baltimore, it's good to know that nature will not sit idly by while humans take over. Of course this is largely due to health inspectors that sit idly by while rats take over, but let's not get pedantic here.

4. You actually do have someone to blame for the problems you face on a day-to-day basis.
Forget the quarter-life crisis. In Baltimore, your problems will be painfully tangible. Like... why are my car's windows smashed? Or... why is my water brown today? Or... why is that guy pointing a gun at me?

5. Not too douchey.
If douchery were salt, Baltimore would be the mild saline solution Chinese parents tell you to drink when you have a cold. Yes, despite the fact that you're supposed to stay hydrated when you have a cold (Jielen! Chinee medicine don't make sense. It just wolk!) DC would be a sample from the Dead Sea. New York and LA and Boston would be solid bricks of salt crystal. Because they are places I've never lived and naturally, I assume that people I've never met are total dicks.

True douchebags just don't thrive in an environment of apathy. How can you superficially prove you're better than everyone else when no one gives a flying fuck?